Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
