you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
