so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Randomize
