I want to make a zoo with you.
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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