My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
