saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
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