You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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