i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
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