Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
im drinking this country out of the recession.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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