if i can run in heels then i can drive
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
