The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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