you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
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