I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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