I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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