I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
