so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
