when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Randomize
