I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Randomize
