I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Randomize
