dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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