i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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