I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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