you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
