Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
