I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Just invented taco cereal.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Randomize
