she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
