I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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