All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
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