i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
