She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Randomize
