Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
