So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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