I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
