I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
