I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
