It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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