Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
