I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
