it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
