He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
