i think my mom watched the whole time
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
