I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
