So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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