i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
