remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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