i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
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