your parents love me but you hate me
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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