Betty ford says i'm here all night
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
