It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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