why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
True strength comes from lack of pants
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Randomize
