i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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